Doritos Led Me Down a Bad Path

The Midwest, Winter 2024

I have no self control. This is one of those stories. 

I bought a bag of Doritos around the holidays because a delicious dip (likely a recipe found on the side of a can) that my Aunt would bring to our family parties popped into my head. As a kid, I enjoyed grazing my teeth against my orange stained fingers to get off the last bits of Dorito dust and Yellow #5 hued dip. As an adult, I am horrified that there are very few things I like better in the world than this chip-and-dip combo.

I made Yellow #5 dip for a holiday party because it is easy and delicious. (I served it in a vintage mini crock pot I found at a thrift store that only had two settings – atomically hot or unplugged.)  I do not have the time for fussy, technical foods in December. Fussy and technical are for January when it is - 0 outside and the month won’t end. 

The chips and dip were a hit. It didn’t yield any leftovers and I barely got a taste, so I was resolved in finding another reason to buy Doritos and make Yellow #5 dip.  

Because I live in Packer country, the next game was going to be my reason. I am not particularly a football fan, but buying chips and dip provisions for “the Sunday game” seemed legitimate, especially if I invited people over. To be fair, it really could have been any sport; football is just always on. 

I bought the party-sized bag of Doritos knowing full well that the dip was not going to be party sized. I used the party-size as an excuse to open the Doritos on Saturday. I’d be able to eat a few (handfuls) and still have plenty left for the Sunday game. 

Unfortunately, the Sunday game snuck up on me. Who has Sunday planned by noon? Hell, who has pants on by noon? So, friends were not called and dip was not made. The bag of Doritos was open, though. 

I justified keeping the open bag on the counter because I was making beef stew, which needed red wine. And of course I was going to have a glass while I was cooking. And because I didn’t have much of a breakfast and am too lazy to make a real lunch because the stew would be done by about 4, I should exclusively eat Dortios to sop up the wine and stave off hunger.

You’d think this would be the end of my Doritos shame – eating Doritos and drinking red wine for the balance of an afternoon – but you’d be wrong. It was a party-sized bag.

Monday was a rough day at work. I threw most of my lunch away because I keep trying to convince myself I like lamb, and I don’t, so I was coming home hungry. I started in on the Doritos, but they weren’t scratching the itch. I considered making Yellow #5 dip, but that was going to take too long, even with an atomically hot vintage crock pot. I improvised by melting cream cheese, velveeta, and salsa together in the microwave for a make-do dip.

Halfway through the dip, I decided that I should skip dinner if I was going to eat Doritos and dip now. And if I was going to skip dinner, some chocolate chips wouldn’t hurt. (They’re dark chocolate – think of all the antioxidants!) Then I had a handful of peanuts (savory to balance the sweet) and a handful of pecans (look at me getting protein!). On the way to the pecans, a bag of marshmallows had caught my eye (they’re mostly air), and then some dried cherries (vitamins! fiber!). 

This was not my finest hour. I poured dish soap on the remaining Doritos and threw the bag out, a la Miranda Hobbs. 

Luckily, the Yellow #5 dip ingredients are shelf stable and will wait for me.